So, what does looking after yourself entail? I have no idea because I don’t know you, but you know you (hopefully), so you can look after yourself, according to what that means to you. If you don’t know yourself, you might want to spend some time finding out about yourself.
Fortunately, you already have the best tools to do just that, whether they be pen and paper, or software and keyboard. You can journal, follow prompts, write to your own ideas, and in each instance, ask yourself how does this apply to me?, what do I like about it?, what do I dislike about it?, do I want to find out more?, do I wish to make changes in my life?, what would be the first (or next) steps? If you do that with everything you write about, and if you start answering really honestly (as you are on your own, you don’t need to have secrets, be embarrassed or pretend you know something, when you don’t), you will be able to determine what your stressors are, and what you gain pleasure from, and it is all about you.
You don’t have to worry about whether other people would approve or disapprove, and it doesn’t matter if it falls short of societal expectations. It is about having an honest assessment of you, so that when you make choices in future, you will already know whether you want to do that or not, you will be much more able to set your own boundaries and know when to say no, and you will know how to live your life in the way that you want to do so, regardless of how other people go about living theirs.
How do I know this?
I know this because I have done all these things. It did not make me a perfect person, or the person who knows how to do everything, and nor do I have all the answers (but I do know what I know, and what I don’t know, and I can choose what to pursue in learning, and what to set aside).
I live alone (through choice), I know what stresses me, and I avoid those situations wherever I can. I know the degree to which I have control over the things in my life. I know how I wish to relate to others, and how I do not. I know what brings me pleasure, and who I wish to spend time with. I (mostly) know how to be respectful and polite to others who look at the world differently from me.
I don’t have all the answers, and there are probably many other things I can / will find out about myself before drawing my last breath. And I will need to change and adapt to the world around me, as other people change and adapt to their own life circumstances and societal changes in terms of its social norms. “No man is an island, entire of itself” as John Donne said. Even although I live alone, I do have to obey the laws of the land, and I need to seek social contact with others, for without it, I will make myself (mentally) ill. Thus, we temper our desires and our outcomes to some degree with what goes on around us.
As far as writing goes, we need not ‘pigeon-hole’ ourselves (even if others attempt to do so), nor do we need to necessarily act on any criticism, although it is good to understand what it is. It can inform us, without dominating us in our writing. If the writing is good for you, then it is good. You may need to shape it according to publication requirements, but within Medium, you can write anything you like (within the obvious rules), and post it yourself, if you haven’t found a publication for it.
So, returning to the issue of looking after yourself, if you don’t know how to do that yet, there is always a path to getting to the point where you do know how to do that.
As for me, I look after myself by these methods….
- I believe in myself, even if no-one else does
- I consider my writing to be good enough to share, even if no-one else does
- I meet-up with family on a regular basis
- I hang-out with my neighbours, where appropriate
- I will choose my own hours for working, studying, reading, relaxing, sleeping and rising
- I will keep my house and appearance as clean and tidy as I want it to be, and not as others might prefer it to be
- I sit down to write every day, even if I don’t produce anything – and that is ok, if it is the case, even if it is more often the case
- I will engage with other people to the degree of friendship or intimacy that suits us both
- I will choose who I talk to (and don’t talk to) about things I consider to be private in my life
- I will not accept labels given to me by other people, unless I choose to use them for myself, and will not use labels to describe my life, just because other people want me to
- I will read, and listen to music or watch audio visual material of my choosing whenever I feel like it
- I will change my mind whenever I like as many times as I like
- I will not be bullied by another person or organisation for any reason at all, even to the detriment of losing out on some identified reward
- I will always speak-out against hatred and inequality (in a way that is defined by me), and acknowledge my own privilege as an older white male living in the UK, and I will welcome challenge in this area where I am perceived to be doing wrong
Again, I am happy to be an imperfect human being within a global community of the same, and as can be seen from my list, sometimes looking after yourself can be about protecting yourself from the ideas or demands of other people. But if done politely and respectfully, and without harming others, there is no reason why you cannot look after yourself in the way that you wish to do so.
I will be the first to tell you that I get things wrong as much as anyone else, but these are learning points. And the more learning points you have in your life, the more you get to know yourself. If it requires apology and remorse, then deal with that, and move on. Eventually, those occasions become less, and you are then maintaining and adapting and living with confidence in your own ability, and your right to exist within the world as you are, as decided by you.
Fraser
July 2024